By Karen Hammons:
I’m slightly broken.
And I don’t like saying that out loud. It’s quite painful saying it.
Who knows how many eyeballs landing on those words will subconsciously begin judging me or think how I need to be “fixed”.
This past week I’ve had a “fight” on several fronts.
Children with school issues.
Dealing with legal issues that are three years old and finding out it could take another year – or longer.
Forgetting to give four teachers a present before the holiday break. (Small in the grand scheme of things, but that “perfect Mom” label is relentless.)
And a body showing signs that it just can’t handle my addiction to food any longer no matter how comfortable I am (or my hubby is) with my “wobbly bits” (yes… Bridget Jones. Go Netflix it).
Right now I am in a raw season. Processing all of this while trying to figure out who the hell I am at 32 years old.
Not who I’m supposed to be.
Not who others want me to be.
But who is this woman that God has taken so much time to create, pursue, grow, and love passionately?
This woman is trying to demolish the labels I have within different circles of my community.
Except that the stickiest ones are in my own mind. It’s a mind that feels a little scrambled. A mind that is a little scared to process through it all on my own, let alone allowing anyone else in on it over the fear that they will run as far as possible.
Because I’m Karen. The happy one. The one with the pink faux-hawk who is always happy and encouraging. The fearless leader.
However, sometimes the happy girl struggles too. And when she is leading the charge, sometimes she is shaking in her black corduroy Toms, questioning herself and her abilities.
And that is ok. It’s ok to not be ok. I have to choose not to be afraid of the “mess” any longer. I don’t need to be “fixed,” as some might think. I’m learning. I’m being stretched. And all the boxes I’ve kept everything hidden in are being crushed one by one.
It’s all for good. And I just need to give myself some grace so I don’t miss the lesson or any part of this journey.
Perhaps the main lesson is this: Grace is HUGE. Grace has power. And through grace, I can make it through anything.